Fwd: One Page Comedies

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: narinder nagpal <ennagpal@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, May 8, 2011 at 9:41 PM
Subject: One Page Comedies
To: tanuj.nagpal3@gmail.com


                                                                         One Page Comedies

       [Character appears as raavan with 6 faces in the court of a reporter]

Rep-- Raavan ji main janta ki taraf se prashan poochta hoon aapse-baaki muunh kahan gaye aapke

Ravn- Bus mein chadte samay chinn-bhinn ho gaye -arthaat toott gaye-hamen samajh nahin aati-itna virat vishaal vikraal waahan or naam rakha hai- kewal bus

Rep-- shriman wo kisi kewal-vewal ki bus nahin hai-use sirf bus kehte hain- mumbai ki bhaasha mein fakat bus-angreji mein only bus or sanskrit mein...

Ravn- Bus bus

Rep-- Yes yes now u got the bus point-anyhow 6 munh hai aapke-baaki 4 kaise chinnbhinn hue

Ravn- Dhai munh to ye aapki itni jara si[shows small finger] bus ke pravesh dwaar se urdhwagaman arthaat chadte hue or derh munh nimnawartan arthaat utarte hue chinnbhinn ho gaye...or to or log hamein raavan kehna bhool gaye hain...abhi hum aa rahe the to log kah rahe the ...wo dekho chakka...kya hum mukh se chakka nat=jar aate hain

Rep--ghabraiye nahin aapko bhi  chakka usi  wajah se kaha gaya hai jis wajah se unhe kaha jaata hai-tu munh pe mat le yaar

Ravn- Theek hai-to nahin lete

Rep- -By the way india kis liye aana hua

Ravn- Aap to jaante hain ab lanka mein to hamaari ffffatti hai/chalti nahin ...wahaan litte[LTTE] walon ne apni lanka bana li hai-humne bhi socha kyon na yahin ghar basaa le-isliye hum shanti ki khoj mein aaye hain -par yahan to usne apna naam madira deti rakh liya-Batayiye saalon pehle doordarshan mein apna pitaa dhoond rahi thi aaj hum baap ban kar aaye..to logon ko madira deti fir rahi hain ...ghor kalyug

Rep-- Ab jahan aap honge wahan ghor kalyug to hona hi hai -waise unka asli naam mandira bedi hai-madira deti nahin...By the way ab aap kya karenge

Ravn--Ab hum mukti ko dhoondege-wo bhi suna hai dance show kar rahi hain...ghor kalyug aagaya hai-shanti daaru bech rahi..mukti mujra farma rahi hai...manushya dhoonde to kise dhoonde

Rep-- By the way aap manushya kahan se hain ..na yahan se na wahan se hain

                                                                                              Can be contd...

                                                                           Next

         [Character visits a bank 4 loan and talks with the bank's watchman]

Hero-- Sun -loan milega[he pulls from his collar and speaks in his ears]

wman- milega-kyon nahin milega-jisko b loan chahiye usko aaj talak to  mila nahin-pan tere ko jaroor milega-tu ooper wale ko de ke jo aaya-----application....waise kai ke ke waste chahiye loan

Hero-- Are yaar mera na kutta mar gaya hai--kirya karam karna hai uska

wman- Aain! kutta ka kirya karam!-ama yaar mitti nikaal-kootta daal- fir mitti daal-khallas....loan kaike waste re

Hero-- ama yaar tu nahin samjega-challees kilo haddi leni hai or bees kilo rui[cotton]

wman-- kaiko

hero-- amayaar kutte ki biraadri bhai bahin aaye rahin--pakistan ki koota mandi se bhi chaar trains bhar ke nikle rahin-sabhi mere ghar ko rone ke waste aaye rahin -mohalle mean charan taraf kooota hi koota najar aaye rahin-saalon ko haddi daalo fir bhi bhonkte hain

wman-- kaiko

hero--  Main samajta bhookey hain-to haddi daalta ki abhi chuup ho jayenge-par fir bhonkne baith jaate.tabi main samaj jaata ki marre hue kutte ki yaad mein ro-ro ke bhonk rahe -but ab problem ye ho gayi hai ki maloom hi nahin padta ki kitne  bhook ki wajah se bhonk rahen hain or kitne maatam ki wajah se

wman--ooper se chaar train or aa rahi hain

Hero haami bharta hai

wman-- bade kutte hain saale kutte-par rui kaiko-wo bi bees kilo

hero-- -ama yaar meri biraadri wale bhi to afsos karne aaye rahe-saalon ko kaan band karne ke liye rui deta hoon-ear bud ki tarah use karke do-do minute mein kaan se bahar thookte hain-kuch usi ko haajme ki goli samaj ke nigal jaate-or kuch to uski batti banakar apni kabji theek kar rahen hain

wman-- sachi rui ka itna rush to maternity ward ke bahar bi na hoyenga jitna tere ghar ke bahar laga hoyenga

                                                                                                                               can be contd...

                                                                                Next

                         [character gives an interview]

Rep--- Raju ji aapko mumbai aaye itna samay ho gaya-aaj kuch public se share kijiye

raju--- Bada hi majedar saharwa hai ee mumbaiwa-suru mein hum ek din kisise poocha ki bhaiya andheri west jaana hi-to wo tapaak se bola-rail ticket hai tumhaare paas-hum bola hammka bus se jaana hah-to wo bola tumka bus se jaana hai oo hum jaanta hai-pan rail ticket aapke paas hoyenga to main aapko rail-pul se jaane ka aasan short cut batayega-rail ticket nahin hoga to main tumko bade pul ka long-cut raasta batayega -nahin to tum pakda jayega

     Baad mean humka pata chala ki rail pul paar karne ke waste hamre paas railticket hona jaroori

Rep-- Aapko yahan khaane peene ki koi dikkat to na hui

raju--peene ki -no dikkat-jagahjagah bar hi bar -parr chai peene ki ghani dikkat-surusuru hum ek jagah chai peene baithe-likha tha -chai anarkali10 rupaya,cutting 5rupaya,chai mugleaajam 13 rupaya-hamaar khopadiya ghhoom gayi sasuria-yo mugleaajam or annarkali ke beech kon nai baitha paanch rupaya mein baal kaat raha hai or kahan ke baal kaat raha hai- baad mein hamka maloom pada thodi si jo peenee ho to 5rupayya....thodi or jo leni ho to 10rupayya...or shahanshah ji so leni ho to 13 rupayaa

Rep-- yahan khaane mein aapne kya pakaaya

raju-- khaane mein hum kya pakaaya..khaana humko khoob pakaaya --surusuru mean hum ek hotel waale se poochan rahin -bhaiya seeda saada daal chapaati kahin milta hai-wo bola-hariprasad ka naam suna hai -suna kya hum to dekhen bhi rahin usko-oo saala sadma mein siri devi ka kutta rahin-oo saala humkka daal chawal khilaye rahin-itta bada hot dog ho gaya kuttarya--jaa bhaiya maaf kar-ye main nahin hotel wala haath jodkar bola mere koo--main fir ek hotel mein ghusa,poocha khaane ko kyakya...wo bola sir vada paav,paav bhajiya,paav bhurji...usne or bi bahut paav paav kiya to main poocha ae bina paanv ke kuchh nahin tere paas..ae saab bina paanv koi jindagi saali..aadmi na khada ho sakta na kar sakta  -ya saala to apun ka bi baap pakau hai ae ja na tu sir vada paav le aa--sir main aapko bola sir- baad mein aap kahin mere koo  bolo ki paanv ke saath sir to hai hi nahin..ab ja bhi-le mera sir saath le ja-wo gaya or main socha haathi ka sa koi bada sa paanv hoga lagta hai agle 8-10 din kuch khaana na padega-jab wo aaya or laaya to main besan ke ande  par aatte ka peda dekh kar dang rah gaya ..obhai aisa peda to hamaare yahaan gaiyaan khaati..wo gaya to main  usko uthaya or dabaaya to bada naram naram paaya. Pata nahin khaane ka hai ya dabaane ka..ya dabaate dabaate khane ka hai ya khate khate dabaane ka hai 

Rep-- Mumbai ki sabse achi baat kya lagi aapko

Raju-- Every thing neat and clean-systematic-no smoking,no spitting,no pissing...kisi se bi hindi angreji mein kuch poocho to wo dheere se marathi-madrasi mein kaan  mein hawa karta nikal jaata...public toilets kahin najar nahin aate..sach poochiye main bi ab apne outlet par bottle taangkar nikalta hai ki kahin ...dhaar aa na jaye[kahin pyaar ho na jaye tone]

                                                                  Next

          [This is an Akbar Birbal Comedy with some below belt punches.Akbar invites some well known legends from mythology,history and some from this era.To avoid any controversy it can be shown as a dream seen by a Khyali Ram who is used to see the dreams.Akbar pronouns sometimes wrong while Birbal rectifies him.Names can also be changed ]

   [Akbar and Birbal are roaming in darbaar suddenly anarkali[Bharti] appears]

ab==aapki tareekh

bb==tareef-[birbalrectifies]

ak==hillehillahi-kaneej ko anarkali kehte hain

ab==khabardaar jo jhooth bola to- hum achi tarah jaante hain ki mardaana kameej ko kameej kehte hain or janaana kameej ko to shammeez kehte hain

bb==jilleelahi-ladki kaneej kah rahi hai -kaneej bole to daasi

ab==daasi hai to itni udaasi kyon bhheedmal

bb==maharaj mera naam birbal hai kripya hamen bheed ka mall na banaye-kasam se boo aane lagti hain

ab==wo to hamen bhi aa rahi hai--kon sa itra lagaya ladki

ak==ji tel lagaaya-saande ka-soonghege ya chatenge

ab==wo sab-shadi ke baad-waise naam kya hai tumhara

ak==abhi to bataya-anaarkali

ab==majaak karti ho -kali kahan se dikhti ho-are tum to poora  anaar ho annar

ak==kshama kijiye...aap bhi akbar kahin se nahin dikhte..aap bhi poora jhaad hain jhaad

ab==londiya-jabaan sambhal apni

ak==ji meri to munh ke andar hi hai-aapki ghutnon tak latki padi hai---------mujhe dekhkar

ab==birbal chokri chahti kya hai-pata nahin kuch dene aai hai ki lene...pooocho jara poocho ise kya hua hai

ak==rajaji tumse dil lagaane ki sajaa hai[she dances]

ab==to fir kaho na ...pyaar hai

ak==kaha na pyaar hai...par rajaji aap kaise samajh gaye ki ham shahjada salim se pyaar karte hain

ab==are hhum to songa rahe the aapne dispose kar diya 

bb==purpose kar diya 

ak==hillehillahi main aapko nahin salim ko purpose kar rahi thi

ab==to fir use karo hamaare sang ye saambha nritya kis khushi main

ak==wo isliye kyonki bete se pehle baapu pataana jaroori

ab==aisa kya..to fir pataopatao...aao bheedmal...

bb==chee...ooooo

ab==tum bhi aao patao ladki aaj tum hamen khoob patao

ak==pata to liya..dekhiye aap kitne khush najar aa rahen hain..pahle ghutnon tak jeebh nikal rahi thi ab eidi tak raal tapak rahi hai

[Akbar observes his saliva dropping down.Suddenly Salim[khayali]appears]

sm==kya raha anara

ak==gupta mat bolna..khabardaar jo annara gupta bola to..nahin to main nahin to main..

sm==nahin to kya

ak==...maharaj ko bhi saath mein set kar loongi

sm== to karo na..karo na baap hai

ab== khaamosh------------- hone ki jaroorat nahin hai[akbar dances with ak]karo karo set karo hamen..karo na baap hain..kaho na pyaar hai

ak==Hillahilahi-[ak looks into ab eyes]aap to sach mein line maarne lage..maine aisa to nahin kaha tha

sm==maine bhi aisa nahin  kaha tha

ab==par ab maine kah diya na-kah diya[amitab style]..waise bhi kya rakha haiis sookhey thoonth mein-socho log tumhaari jodi ko kya naam denge...anaarekhyali..or hamaari jodi ko

ak== or hamaari jodi ko

ab==AnnareAkbars

ak==o realy-u mean dhoja bai ki chutti

ab==offcourt....

bb==ofcourse

ab==....Rani dhoja bai ab dhona bhool gain hain ...bengan banaati hain par dhoti tak nahin..maloom hai[ab whispers]us din hamne banana diya -boley dho do

ak==shit..banana koi dhota hai

ab== bhai keechad mein gir gaya tha ..dhoyenge nahin to kya aise hi d..

ak==samajh gai sab smajh gai aap dhoyege nahin to aise thodi na d...

ab==dakaar jayege aaaaa..hum koi dangar  hain

sm==zalliludeen[all of a sudden salim screams and blows a shankh]...pooooon....

ak==lo isne to jang ched di

ab ==tum chup raho ab ham shekhu ko set karte hain...waise tum to set ho na ab

ak==fully-automatic

sm==jahanpaanaah ke bachey aaj aapko duniya se fanaa na kar diya to...

ab==to duniya hamen jahanfanaa kehne lagegi

sm==itne burey din aa gaye hamaare ki hamaare  ration card par  ab pyaaj aap lootenge...poooon

ab==shaant-shekhu shhant

sm==shekhu kabhi shant baith sakta - wo to gag ke beech mein bhi  mokka dhoondta ki kab artist logon ke munh mein belan daale...poooooon

ab== bhompu band karo ab..saari gas nikal jayegi

  [sm puts off his shankh and controls his breath]

ab==beta salim kya aapne kabhi anaarkali ko dekha hai

sm==achi tarah

ab==dhyan se dekha hai

sm==tabhi to shaadi kar raha hoon

ab==bachey..wajan dekh iska..dekh kitni bhaari hai 

sm==ab bharti hai to bhaari to hogi hi na...samjha[he thinks] kahin aisa to nahin itna wajni maal aapko apne liye jyada suitable lag raha hai

   [ab conceals his feelings]

ab== beta jindagi nein insaan kuch faisle itne bhaari le leta hai ki pehli hi raat mein saari khumaari  nikal jaati hai

sm==aaap kahna kya chahte hain..mujhe aapki neeyat bad se badnaam hoti najar aa rahi hai...pata nahin kyon mashooka maan banti najar aa rahi hai

ab==ddddil pe mat le yaar ...ddddooor ki soch

sm==aap jitni door ki nahin soch sakta main,,,pehli najar mein hone waali bahu set kar li aapne..are..had kar di aapnehad kar di aapne[song]

ab==tereliye ..teriliye..hum hain jiye[veerjaara song]

sm==nana..bapu please..ab senti goli or na de..hum jaante aap hamen kattai pyaar nahin karte

ab==ham tumhe chahte hai itna marne waala koi...

sm==khabardarkhabardaar..poooooon..jo agli senti-dose di aapne to

ab== beta salim raham kar...maan bana le beta..anarkali ji ko apni maan....

sm== pooooon

ab==itna pooonpoon mat kar beta

sm==poo

ak==shekhu-hilleelahi theek kahte hain..shaadi oonch neech ka khel hai..ups and down ki game hai ..socho jab tum upside down rahoge to mujhe pata na padega..jab main upload hui to ..tumhaara pata na chalega...haan salim haan tum mar bhi sakteho

sm== tum bhi...bewafa nikli anarkali..saari umar daana hum daalte rahe or ghaas baapu charega

ab== aise thodi na kehte..ghaasghaas par najar rakhta boss

sm==ye baat to aise kya waise bhi nahin kehte..chod gayi balli mujhe hai akela chod gayi[salim turns and moves]

ab==na ja kahin ab na ja

sm== hnn..dekh liya koi hamse pyaar nahin karta

ab== na beta na ..beta baap ke dil ka wo tukda hota hai jo uske seene se baahar dhadkta hai

sm== khabardaar jo or senti kiya aapne..hum sab jaante..tum puraani duniya ke ghisse hue log kaise bahlaate  apne bachon ko..maano hamaara dil hamaara dil nahin..aapka hindustan ho jahan har saans ke baad agli saans ko bhi nikalane ke liye ijajat leni padti hai aapse

ab==lagta hai aap bhool gaye ki kitni mushkilon ke baad hamne tumhe paaya hai...

sm== hmmm

ab== ...humne poorey 11 mahinon ki pad yatra ki thi.wo bhi  nange paanv...pooch lo us naansen se

bb== Taansen se

ab== poorey raaste wo hamaare kaan khata aaya tha..usne gaana bhi gaaya tha nange nange pairi maiyya akbar aaya..chhaale pad gaye the hamaare paanv mein pata hai...

sm==pata hai pata hai...sirf maata ke darbaar mein aap nange paanv gaye the...warna poorey raaste to aap haathi par hi baithe rahe the

ab == to kya haathi nange paanv  nahin the ..bhheedmal samjhao isko..kaise shak ki nigahon se dekh raha hai...

bb== ab 11 mahinon kiaap yatra pe rahenge..peeche se shekhu paida ho  jayega..to shak ki nigaahon se to dekhna banta hai na uska 

ab==arre! tum bhi to iski delivery ke wakt yahin the..batao to isko jab ham yatra se lotte the to ye nanha salim kaise dhul raha tha raani dhoja bai ki baahon mein...yaad hai tumhe wo scene..raani ji ki jaangho par leta tha ye nangoo..wo iski peeth pe sabun ghisti thi..phir sotte/thaapi se peetti thi..phir ulta seedha  patak patak kar iski saari jhaag nikaalti thi..or aakhir mein nichodkar..

bb== bas kijiye maharaj-bacha hai aapka-kachcha nahin

sm== poooon..abbu jaan bahut dhoya aapne mujhe..or mera yakeen kijiye..aapko bhi wahin jung ke maidaan mein dhoya bhi jayega or nichoda bhi jayega...pooon

    [salim turns and moves]

ab ==vijay[dilip kumar's scream-Shakti]

ak== O mere laal aaja 

                                                               00000000000000000000000000000000

bb==yah achi baat nahin hai-dil tod diya bachey ka..ab dekhiyega wo aapko todega

ab==parwaah nahin...hooon..tum kya jaano baap apne mootra..

bb== putra

ab== ....ke liye kyakya kurbaani  de sakta hai

bb==kurbaani kya di aapne..balki uski to janaani chheen li aapne

ab==tum nahin samjoge..tabhi to bhagwaan ne aapko koi mootra...

bb==putra putra

ab==...nahin diya..do u know  size always matter...kyun maharani

ak== yah sir..size always matters..but it never mattered me..sachi I shapath

ab== ye to or bhi acha hai ab jab hamaari olaad hogi to wakai folaad hogi..kyun raani

ak== ji hillehillahi-khayali ko bhi fakhra hoga ki uska sequel bhai khali  aaya hai...main bhi gaana gayegi..mere ghar aai ik nanha khali..saandni ke hasin rath pe sawaar

          [suddenly jodha appears]

jb== kya ho raha hai yahan

ak==kkkkuch nahin kuch nahin ..ham to bus peeractis

bb==practice

ab== ....kar rahe the naach india naach ki

jb== dekh rahi hoon bahut par nikal aaye hain aapke..bahu par bhi dorre daalne lage

ak==jjji saasu maan..bahut kameenay kism ke log hote hain jahaan mein..nigaahen rakhte hain kahin pe or nishaana rakhte hain yahanwahan pe

ab== Anarkallioooooooooo

jb== jyada gala mat phado..ikloti awaaj wali nalki bachi hai..wo bhi phusphusa gayi to or problem khadi ho jayegi ...shart lagi thi isme or mujhme...main kahti thi mera suhaag thoda yeda hai -par mera hai..wo kisi or ke chakkar mein pad hi nhi sakta..par ye kahti thi har mard kabhi bhi fisal sakta hai..or aap fisley  ab main aapke saath nahin rah sakti

ab== Matlab hanaare itne saare santre,itne saare karwachoth -sab bekaar gaye

jb== wo to aaj samajh aaya ki tum santre lagaakar parai orton ko taadne jaate the..ya allah kitni nadaan thi main jo yahi samajhti thi ki mera pati mere pyaar mein mere liye karwachoth ke vrat rakhta hai or orat bankar orton mein pooja karne bhi jaata hai